the starting process...

so i've been encouraged to start a blog...to help me vent when i cant talk, and to be able to find myself again. i've also been encouraged to do this to be able to appreciate the person that i am, but somewhere along the way ive lost me and all the respect i had for myself. so thank you megan, i love you!!

i have a problem with loving myself. a few years ago and lot of shit happened that i'm not proud of. it seems like when i started with an eating disorder thats when it all came down. i use to never have a problem with myself. i was happy with me, no matter what shape, size, etc...then of course your mind gets to wonde ring and you think...really? am i really trying to make myself believe that i have self worth.

number one is i miss my granny, when she was here it seemed as if i had no trouble in my life. i had the positive guide that i needed. when she left this life back in 2002, i fell apart. i started drinking really bad, not caring, trying to figure out ways to get myself out of this world. i felt as if i had nothing to live for. i had never experienced loss so close. when she died, a part of me did too. i'm not saying that i never had encouragement from my family, i'm not saying that i didn't get any encouragement from my friends...i'm saying that i'm not me!! i miss me!! she was great, self-loving individual that i hurt for.

so, lets start with...

problem #1: i never was the type person to have the eating disorder of making myself throw up...i starved myself. i felt that if i could go days without eating that i could lose weight and be the image that everyone wanted to see. i feel as if that people are looking at my flaws, and trying in their mind to correct things that i can't ...with which just after typing all of that i see how ridiculous i am about it (laughing at myself). i can't please everyone. i need to love me, with all the curves and such. i get compliments all the time and i have no idea why i'm such an idiot. it's something i need to embrace and love because God gave this girl some hips and some extra loving baggage to love and, if He loves me and my family and friends love me, then why not love myself?? thats a change thats starting NOW!!

problem #2: i can't fix the world, but the world can fix me. i see people who need my help and i can't do anything and it kills me. i've got to learn to control my emotions with that. my mind goes in a million directions trying to figure ways i can help someone. my parents have helped me more than i can imagine financially, and i will always be grateful. i just wish that it was me taking care of them and the ones i love without worry. (thanks ck)

i could sit here all night and think of problems i have but those are the main two. in my life right now i have the best family. even though we argue sometimes (who doesnt), our love never lessens. i have the best companion i could ever ask for. she loves me for me and that alone is amazing. i have the best step-daughters as well. they are my life and always will be. i have a great sister-in-law who i adore. i have a great job, thats getting me back on my feet. i have so much going in the positive now that it's crazy to me that all i can think of is the negative. i've got to get it together. most importantly, i know that my granny (whom is shinning down on me from above), wouldn't be proud of the negative person i've become. i'm better than that.