Saturday, July 31, 2010

today was a good day...

i was really glad to see my parents today...i can't believe that it has been 3 weeks since the last time that i've seen them. it was a good visit. however lately it's been heavily on my mind to tell them about the lifestyle i've chosen to live when i'm not around them. its really hard to be so open to your parents, especially when they aren't so accepting of your lifestyle. i want so badly to be able to share the love i have for my girlfriend with them because i'm so happy and it's so amazing to finally have someone that loves me as much as i love them. why can't life be so much easier sometimes?? why do people have to be so close-minded these days. i'll never know the answer to that question...but i do know that no matter what i'm gonna be happy regardless. i am my own human being and i'm not gonna let anyone try and change me to the image that they want, because the image they see is the image they will get from now on. it's about me being me and me being happy...and making sure that the ones around me are ok and happy as here goes to growing more of a backbone...wish me luck!!


Tuesday, July 13, 2010 i am...

never in the past several months have i felt more like "me" again. i'm so glad that my love got me to do this. i've approached every day in such a different attitude that it's unreal. i'm seeing more of the old me and it's wonderful. i just sat and read the first post i did on here, which was just a couple of days ago, and i'm amazed at how i have such a poor image of myself. never again will i allow myself to hit the bottom again. i'm proud of who i am and who i have in my life. i love the ones around me as much as they love me.'s to continuing the process of being me...hopefully in the next few'll get to meet her at 100%.

dee :)

since i can't tell her, you please tell her...

so...the love of my life has a thing with me telling her exactly how i feel about her...i know you're going to read this baby so here is a way for you to understand more of how much you complete everything about me!! (i love you)

i've never in my life found someone that loves me for everything, the good things about me and my flaws. no matter what i look like, she loves me. she accepts me for the person i am, not for the person that everyone wants me to be. she is absolutely everything, in a whole, that i've been looking for. i go to sleep beside her and wake up beside her every day and it's amazing. there is nothing in the world that makes me happier than for her to tell me she loves me, before i can say it to her. i love her smile, the way she has this cute little smirk when i'm saying something (in her words) "mushy", i love how no matter where she is she's herself and isn't a follower, she's absolutely beautiful in every way. every day i fall more and more in love with her. i love how sometimes i get cute text messages from her and it makes my day. she is the one i want to spend the rest of my life with and i hope that she feels the same. so baby, i love you, more than i can sit here and express. you are everything i've always wanted, i couldn't imagine anyone else in my life. i love you i love you i love you...and still i feel like i can't say it enough!!

Saturday, July 10, 2010

something i'm being forced to do lol...

so here goes...

10 things i love about me...

1. i'm tall (6'00")...yeayus!!
2. MY HAIR...when its long
3. my sense of humor
4. my smile, when i'm not cheesin'
5. my eyes (i have my granddaddy's eyes)
6. i'm able to carry a tune
7. i can play pretty much any instrument
8. i have a very creative mind (i love writing plays)
9. i don't put up with ignorance...(i'll read you like a book)
10. my laugh.6

10 things i don't like about myself...

1. no self-love
2. no self-confidence
3. always think negative about myself
4. my weight
5. i have racing thoughts
6. not as athletic as i use to be
7. dwell on things i can't control
8. i worry more of what others think of me than what i think of me
9. never compliment myself
10. that i'm not the person i was 8 years ago

how i plan to change the things i don't like about myself...

well that's why i started this blog. i have no reason to be so negative about myself. theres no reason to worry about things i can't control and so on. i'm a damn good person and it's high time that i give myself credit for that. so hopefully in the next few weeks when i look back on this...i'm gonna see how big of an idiot i!!

deidra :)

the starting process...

so i've been encouraged to start a help me vent when i cant talk, and to be able to find myself again. i've also been encouraged to do this to be able to appreciate the person that i am, but somewhere along the way ive lost me and all the respect i had for myself. so thank you megan, i love you!!

i have a problem with loving myself. a few years ago and lot of shit happened that i'm not proud of. it seems like when i started with an eating disorder thats when it all came down. i use to never have a problem with myself. i was happy with me, no matter what shape, size, etc...then of course your mind gets to wonde ring and you think...really? am i really trying to make myself believe that i have self worth.

number one is i miss my granny, when she was here it seemed as if i had no trouble in my life. i had the positive guide that i needed. when she left this life back in 2002, i fell apart. i started drinking really bad, not caring, trying to figure out ways to get myself out of this world. i felt as if i had nothing to live for. i had never experienced loss so close. when she died, a part of me did too. i'm not saying that i never had encouragement from my family, i'm not saying that i didn't get any encouragement from my friends...i'm saying that i'm not me!! i miss me!! she was great, self-loving individual that i hurt for.

so, lets start with...
problem #1: i never was the type person to have the eating disorder of making myself throw up...i starved myself. i felt that if i could go days without eating that i could lose weight and be the image that everyone wanted to see. i feel as if that people are looking at my flaws, and trying in their mind to correct things that i can't ...with which just after typing all of that i see how ridiculous i am about it (laughing at myself). i can't please everyone. i need to love me, with all the curves and such. i get compliments all the time and i have no idea why i'm such an idiot. it's something i need to embrace and love because God gave this girl some hips and some extra loving baggage to love and, if He loves me and my family and friends love me, then why not love myself?? thats a change thats starting NOW!!

problem #2: i can't fix the world, but the world can fix me. i see people who need my help and i can't do anything and it kills me. i've got to learn to control my emotions with that. my mind goes in a million directions trying to figure ways i can help someone. my parents have helped me more than i can imagine financially, and i will always be grateful. i just wish that it was me taking care of them and the ones i love without worry. (thanks ck)

i could sit here all night and think of problems i have but those are the main two. in my life right now i have the best family. even though we argue sometimes (who doesnt), our love never lessens. i have the best companion i could ever ask for. she loves me for me and that alone is amazing. i have the best step-daughters as well. they are my life and always will be. i have a great sister-in-law who i adore. i have a great job, thats getting me back on my feet. i have so much going in the positive now that it's crazy to me that all i can think of is the negative. i've got to get it together. most importantly, i know that my granny (whom is shinning down on me from above), wouldn't be proud of the negative person i've become. i'm better than that.